Oberlin Heisman Club: Week 2

Oberlin Heisman Club Week 2 Opponent: Chris (Sam Mortenson) Result: L 97.1 vs 100.72 Record: 1-1-0

The George Washington Bridge of Upper Manhattan rests 212 feet above the Hudson River, 65 meters if you’re metrically inclined. The Hudson’s temperate ranges between a brisk 64 and 72 degrees, and its current is voracious. A fall from that height would be almost certainly fatal.

Week 2 of Oberlin Heisman Club Fantasy Football started serendipitously, in the form of Chris (Sam M)’s DJ Moore of the Buffalo Bills netting an impressive -0.1 points before suffering an AC joint shoulder sprain Thursday night, necessitating an exit from the field against the Lions. This vaulted my win percentage to 57% right off the bat, and was a welcome scoreline for the next few days.

All of my starters played on Sunday, save for the Chiefs D/ST, so between 10AM and 11PM, I was running the gauntlet. Like last week, my running backs 1 and 2 (Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumbass) De’Von Achane and Jadarian Price somehow lost their mind-muscle connections overnight, and combined for 17 points. I can only hope that their placement on SNAP benefits in this coming week will motivate them to play good football, because time is running out both for them and their families.

Lamar, my beautiful Ravened king, started off strong, but limped to the end of a loss against the Saints to net 14 points. This is now the second week where my benched quarterback Bryce Young has outscored him, but save for a personally motivated terrorist attack conducted by Jackson, he will remain on top of my pallid team.

Trey McBride and Parker Washington were able to post back to back weeks of impressive football, and the acrobatic Tetairoa MacMillan leapt for 15 points, establishing me comfortably with an 87% chance to win.

Terry McLaurin seemed to attempt to mimic Chris’ (Sam M’s) team by refusing to perform. Stefon Diggs has now outscored him twice, and Ter-Ter will not only be sent to the glacial nether regions of my bench, but is now primed to be traded for anyone with a pulse. So he was like Chris’ (Sam M’s) team: Bad. Chris (Sam M) had Bad luck combined with Bad skill, with Caleb Williams being carted off the field after his hamstring exploded, Travis Ettiene Jr pulverizing what remaining relevancy he had, the aforementioned and plighted DJ Moore, and Mike Evans leaving the stadium after his hip gave out (the poor septuagenerian). But my team slowed down considerably as Sunday’s fading light gave way to night, and all of a sudden Ja’Marr Chase and Will Reichard the kicker had Sam (Chris) back in the game.

It’s the sort of fantasy experience akin to witnessing a relative give way to sudden and brutal bone cancer. At times it seems like they are doing ok, recovering, nay thriving, until nuclear imaging reveals metastatic spread, and your hopes crumble. Into Monday night, I needed the Chiefs to post a subpar performance, and for Isaiah Likely to suffer a career ending injury to remain in the game (me remain in the game, not Isaiah Likely).

And at first, it seemed like divine providence would save me from catatonic misery this week. I was on the plane from DFW to LGA after a weekend at a Mormon wedding in Tucson (congrats Bedford!), sneaking glimpses of the Giants Rams game from an elderly gentleman’s iPad a few seats ahead of me. From what I could ascertain (I was technologically bereft at this point, having left my insipid iPhone back in Tucson so I could switch back to the flip phone), Jaxson Dart’s knee was mauled on the first play of the game, and the Giants offense had come to a grinding halt under Jameis Winston’s interception-prone hands and the smothering and violent and energetic Rams defense. This small flicker of hope sustained me through the hour delay on the runway, and the nearly 3 hour flight, at the back of my mind as I decocted Infinite Jest under blaring lamp light.

Again, a fall from that height would almost certainly provide a total and irreversible escape from the pain.

Isaiah Likely, against all odds, managed to squeak out 8 points, as the Chiefs bled touchdown after touchdown against the Colts, placing Christopher 3 points above me, with no possible way of escape, and plunging me down the rankings into a 1-1 record. If I had put in the Broncos, if I had listened to my gut feeling and swapped out Good Ole Terry for Stefon Diggs, if I profanely swapped beloved Lamar for Young, heck even if I put one of those calorically disadvantaged yellow-emblazoned stadium guards in the mix instead of Terry, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, and I wouldn’t have the metric height of GSW bridge mentally nailed down.

On to the next week.

Notes From The Field: Cole Hawk-Tuah (Johnny Ragsdale): “Well. Somehow I have bested dirty stinky liam. It required Nabers conveniently breaking his arm, and the divine intervention of Devonte Adams putting up 36 more points than his pitiful week 1 performance. I laid depressed Sunday night watching as Justin Herbert forgot how to play the sport he’s played his entire life, alleged geriatric David Montgomery got sidelined in a blowout by a rookie who is maybe the worst running back I’ve ever seen, and Jeanty was stuffed play after play by the chargers D-line. I slept that night having given up on my winning start to the year, ceding my joy and soul to Liam’s satanic amalgamation of hobbyists. However when I woke, victorious horns sounded as a text from Liam admitting his wondrous defeat came across my phone. 2-0. Herbert better grow a new brain for next week.”

Losers Bracket Phenoms (Jerry Achtermann): “Losers Bracket Phenom declined to comment.”

Legette It (Victor (Will) Gordon): AI Generated ESPN Recap Bullshit, not worthy of my elegant site.

Chris (Sam Mortenson): I smell and I am a loser.